How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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