he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
