My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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