You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
