I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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