I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
