Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
