My sheets look like a crime scene.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
