think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
