I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
