Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
