The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I wish I only lived at night.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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