I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Randomize
