I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
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I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
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If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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