she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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