Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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