the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
