Only a mothe r could love this liver
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
