you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
