I will die if light touches me.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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