A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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