We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
