Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Randomize
