we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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