You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
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I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
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I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?