so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.