when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable