Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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