If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.