Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
