No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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