Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
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there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
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I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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