Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
