So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
