Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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