my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
