So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
