I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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