Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Randomize
