the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
