I can tuck mytits in my pants
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
