she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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