the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
