When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
