Betty ford says i'm here all night
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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