My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
