I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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