can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
