She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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