I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
