Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
