i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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