I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
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