There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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