In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
