I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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