ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
