I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
