I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
