and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i think i have herpe
just one?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
