Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I need to align my fucking chakras
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
